The M Files
by Rasberry Parfait
Summary: A collection of Mary-Sue parodies based on actual Mary-Sue stories based on an actual person who's actually parodizing herself. Containing such beloved favorites as "THE REBELLION OF DA FLAME1111one," and "Insert Insanely Long Song Title Here".
1. THE REBELLION OF DA FLAME1111one

A/N: Hey, y'all. This is just going to be a little side project of mine while I work on completing the Howling at the Moon Trilogy.

So, basically, I have this theory that if not all, a good 90% of good authors start out as Suethors. It makes sense-they don't have the experience to make up a 3-D character, so they write about themselves, but they worry that people won't like them so they add on the frills, hence, Mary-Sue.

(Note that I'm sorry if I just offended self-insert authors. I know a lot of people say that self-inserts are the bane of fanfiction, but they can actually be quite enjoyable. The problem is that most self inserts, if not full-blown sues, tend to dabble in a bit of sueism out of insecurities. If the author is confident, honest, and knows themselves well, then the story will probably be just fine, or if it isn't, it won't be the self-insertion that makes it bad. For an example of a rockin' self-insert, read "Strange Things Happen in Libraries with Dr. Pepper" by PippinBaggins, in the Chronicles of Narnia fandom. To continue.)

Anyway, I had all these really bad stories from my Mary-Sue phase clogging up my documents that I refuse to delete. I took an oath-anything I write must be kept for a minimum of fifteen years. And for some reason, it upsets me, seeing them just sitting there, on the virtual shelf, getting dusty. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to post anything as horrific as what I wrote during my Sue-Days on this account.

Hence: The 'M' Files. In which I turn all of my Mary-Sues into Mary-Sue Parodies. I don't know if they'll be really funny, I haven't tried pure humor before, but it's literally tearing me apart, so I'm just kind of like "Okay, fine."

Anyway, go ahead and tell me if you like this or didn't. I'll continue it either way, but if you do like it, then there's a better chance of faster updates.

Finally, I should mention that I didn't only write Avatar Sues. I started out in fanfiction by writing Avatar fiction on the board they used to have over on the Nick message boards, so most of my Sue period was spent there; but rest assured, once that well is dry, they'll be a couple more Sue parodies in some other fandoms.

Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar. I'm glad to say that I _can't _say I own the Sue, either; for the most part, I ripped her off a video game, as I did much of the plot. Hence, I own nothing. Kingdom Hearts and Eragon were two big influences. Oh, and American Dragon: Jake Long. Can't remember the others. But I know I don't own them.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kaili. She was very pretty, and very strange. She was small for her age, with red hair, dark blue eyes, tan skin and pointy ears. Not a lot of people can pull off a tan with red hair, especially in the Avatar world, but she was so amazing that she pulled it off so well that it wasn't until she was twelve that people started wondering if maybe there was something _really _weird about her.

She lived with her mom in the Fire Nation, but her mom got sick and died and so she went to live with her dad and her step-mom, who were servants for the Fire Lord and lived in the servants' quarters. They both hated her. Kaili shared a room with eleven other kids who were all total brats who stole her stuff and messed up her sketchbook. There was this theory that the reason there were so few actually nice people in her life was because she herself was so nice that it was hard to call anyone else nice compared to her incredible niceness.

One day, she was sitting under a tree, minding her own business like the perfect kid she was, when Azula came up to her.

"Go get me a cookie," Azula said.

"No," Kaili said.

Azula shot fire at her.

Kaili, who could firebend but only a little bit (she had to teach herself) had no choice but to get Azula a cookie. Luckily, she was sneaky enough that she didn't get caught.

This went on for awhile, with Kaili doing whatever Azula wanted, when one day Zuko (who was known for chivalry and kindness towards servants as a youth, and standing up to his sister, don'tchaknow?) said "Azula, keep picking on her and I'll tell mom."

Azula stopped, and Kaili said thank you and then she said something so witty and funny that they became best friends, and were so from that day on.

And then, sometime later, Zuko gave Kaili a necklace. That meant that Kaili had two necklaces now-the one from Zuko and the one her mom gave her. Did I forget to mention that? Ah. Yeah. Anyway. Her stepmom, who was totally evil and hated Kaili, didn't sell the necklace because…she was stupid. Obviously, you'd have to be either stupid or insane not to like this girl, everyone intelligent and sane worshipped the ground she walked on. She didn't notice, though, because she was too humble.

So then, Zuko got banished and Kaili ran away. She ran and ran until she found THE REBELLION OF THE FLAME, a group of rebels fighting against the Fire Nation. They chose the name to remain inconspicuous of their motives.

And it turned out, Kaili had some pretty weird powers. SHOCK SHOCK. She could create bubbles in the timestream-yes, _of course _the term 'timestream' had been coined at that point. Le duh. And sometimes she could predict the future.

So then there was this prophecy made about Kaili-but not by Kaili, some other chick who was kind of more reliable about the whole future-prediction thing (but could _she _create bubbles in the timestream? No. Hence, Kaili=Win.) made a prophecy that Kaili was going to help the Avatar. Naturally, this was kind of a big deal, so when Kaili learned, through her gift, that he was going to be in the area, she decided to go say "Hi."

Despite the leader of the Rebellion being all "Don't do it, or I will SLAP you, fo!"

So she left and found Aang, who happened to be on the island, and they initially distristed her, blah blah blah, and then she brought them to the Rebellion headquarters.

And the leader of the Rebellion was like *slaps yoo*

And she was like *tear*

And then the next day, the Fire Nation attacked the base and they found out, through Kaili's picking up on something these two agents said (they were actually SPIEEEEEEZ) in passing, just soon enough to make an attack plan.

And Kaili learned that the Fire Lord poisoned her mom. She never bothered to ask why, though, I mean, I guess she thought, does there have to be a reason? He's the Fire Lord, he's evil and doesn't have anything better to do with his time than to go around, randomly poisoning his own subjects.

Right, so, she was quite upset, and the bottom line is, she got captured and then _she _got poisoned, but who should save her? Zuko! Who just magically knew where she was. I guess he has like, Kaili's-in-trouble senses or something. Not like that's some huge plothole or something.

So then he saves her, and she's on his ship, all unconscious and stuff-waking up just long enough to tell him that she was poisoned and stuff.

But then Aang, Katara and Sokka came and saved her from Zuko's ship and got her back to the Rebellion _just in time_ for her to get the antidote.

And so she decided to go travel with the Avatar. (Not that she was invited. She kind of invited herself, but they'd kind of been hoping she would. They would have asked her, but they were intimidated by her awesomeness.)

So she travelled with them for awhile, and after about ten chapters of Kaili-POV-canon-events, something significant happened. That significant event was this:

After the battle with Azula VS Everyone Else, in which Iroh got shot down by lightning, the gang was walking away and Sokka and Kaili got into a fight. So Kaili ran off, and ran into the forest, where Zuko was looking for stuff that might help his uncle (Zuko=expert healer. Probably not as good at it as Kaili, though, considering she can do everything else.) Right, so, they meet in the woods, and then _they _get in a fight and Zuko burns Kaili in a burst of anger. He burns her on her arm, she was trying to walk away (you know, doing the _right _thing and avoiding confrontation) and he grabbed her arm and then accidentally burned it.

And Kaili said "Like father, like son, right?" And ran away before Zuko could apologize. I guess she figured, since she can't firebend, she couldn't burn him back literally, she she'd just burn him verbally.

So then Katara found her, and saw her burn and asked if Kaili wanted her to heal it, but Kaili said "No thanks," so she'd know not to trust Zuko again. (She does, anyway, but whatever.) She doesn't tell Katara what happened, or anyone else, just because it seemed the proper, dramatic thing to do.

And then they were all choosing mini-vacations and Kaili, who didn't care, pointed to an island they happened to by flying over (this was before Sokka's vacation and Appa being stolen and whatnot.) And as it turned out, this island was home to colony of elves-no-no, I'm serious, a colony of elves and Kaili was their princess. Well, her mother was queen, but her father was a REBEL, so she was half-human-half-elf. The elves had been secretly fighting in synch with the Rebellion for awhile, but after Kaili's parents got killed on a mission (because every smart colony sends the royal family to assassinate people) they broke it off and had maintained a deep hatred of humans ever since.

After they managed to get the elves to let them go-with a promise to come back eventually-they left for Ba Sing Se.

Insert twenty more chapters of Kaili-POV-Canon-Events. Also insert ten chapters of Kaili-centric-noncanon events that don't really add to the plot at all.

After Aang got shot by Azula, they went back to the island, where Kaili (despite her lack of political experience) got put in charge. Azula, Zuko, Ty Lee and Mai showed up (don't ask how they knew where the supposedly-hidden-elf-colony was. It's…um…a story in itself? Will you buy that?) and were imprisoned, but then Zuko gets let out by Kairi, because Azula tricked her into feeling bad for him, and she's so nice she can't stand having people put in jail if there's a 0.0001% chance that they might still be good. Then Zuko started teaching Aang and Kaili firebending (despite not wanting to. Kaili was the only one who trusts Zuko.) And then Zuko told Kaili that she was some kind of dragon-warrior, hoping she'd freak out and give up the throne, whilst simultaneously telling the truth.

Kaili freaked out and Zuko went to talk to Azula, and Azula shot him with lightning for no real reason other than she felt like it, and then Zuko goes unconscious and has a dream where Avatar Roku came and told him how awesome Kaili was.

Then he woke up and realized he wanted to be on the good side, for real this time, and then Kaili forgave him for not telling her sooner about the dragon-warrior thing.

So they went to try and find a dragon egg, they found it, there was a fight with Azula (she'd escaped with her minions-I mean friends) and then Kaili had a pet dragon that she named Riesa.

Then she learned to ride the dragon and use these cool swords.

And then there was a big battle where the good side pwns the bad side.

And then Kaili and Zuko kissed and got married and Kaili continued to destroy the other characters' self esteem with her perfection for the rest of her life.

The End.

A/N: Yes. It was actually more complicated than that. Not that I'm justifying. It wasn't more complicated in a plot and character development way, more like a stupid, drama-rama, Gossip Girl, can't keep anything straight, Mary-sue way. I simplified it, just a little bit, to keep this from going to long.

Hm. Anyway, I again request that you review. Please?


	2. Insert Flippin' Long Song Quote Here

A/N: Hello, welcome to the next installment of The M Files!  
You should know that most of the rest of them aren't going to have endings. I had that relatively common-Sue tendency to start stories, get bored and start new ones. So I'll try to come up with the crappiest ending I can for them.

This one was only two chapters long, so this chapter's going to be short. But I wanted to know what it felt like to publish three things in one day-the first and second chapters of this, and the fourth chapter of "Dog Person." I might go for four with a follow-up to "Whatsername." But whatever.

Oh, by the way: Another plot hole just occurred to me when I was thinking back to REBELLION OF THE FLAME!!!1one. In the beginning, it said her dad skipped out on her mom and got remarried, and she was raised by her mom until she was around ten, when her mom got poisoned and she went to live with her really mean, evil dad and step-mom. And then later, it said her mom was an Elvin queen, and her dad was a rebel and they were both killed while trying to assassinate someone. So, um…sorry I wasn't able to mock that. Let me take care of that right now.

HAHA, PLOTHOLE, YOU'RE SUCH A LOSER! (throws rock at plothole.)

(Wipes hands off.) There we go. All done. Let me know if you catch any more of those bad boys that happen to slip through my ever-vigilant (snores) watchout. I might miss them while I'm too busy putting actions into parentheses.

Disclaimer: Don't own Avatar.

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Tali was nine years old, and she lived with her mom. Her father had left while his wife was pregnant with Tali, and he'd taken Tali's older siblings with him. But Tali, bless her innocent little heart, didn't mind-she was just happy that she had a mom who loved her so much.

One day, she woke up to remember that it was her tenth birthday. She walked into the kitchen to find her mom making her a nice breakfast. After exchanging pleasantries, they ate, and her mom gave her presents. They consisted of a necklace-the one Tali had always seen her mother wear, that had been promised to her when she got older-and some money. Even though they were said to be very poor, apparently her mom happened to have some spare change lying around and decided to let her ten-year-old go burn it on frivolities.

Tali went shopping, and there was probably some kind of musical number involved, and when she got home her house had burned down, and she was all "TE GASP!" Then the Fire Nation FBI came and whisked her away to her father's house, and when they got there, he was in a meeting, so they stuck her in the Fire Lord's backyard with the rest of the munchkins.

And Azula and her friends came and totally made fun of her-I mean, it was subtle, but Tali knew everything they said had an underlying mocking to it. (Paranoid much?) She had that sixth "mean people" sense. It was because she was so innocent and nice herself. Azula's skin would have sizzled if she chosen to like, hit her or push her over or something. Luckily for the both of them, she didn't.

Then Tali was sitting against a tree, and Zuko and his twin sister (What? Oh, yeah, of course he had a twin sister. Don't…don't you even watch the show? Heavens to Betsey!) went up to her and introduced herself and thought to themselves 'Wow. That must be so hard, for her to lose her mom. She must be so strong.' And they were right. They were a little bit scared of her aura of epicness, though.

In fact, a lot of people were-why do you think Azula didn't push her? And so that night, the Fire Lord had her assassinated so that her epicness would never be a threat to him.

The End.

A/N: Hm. Yep. Not as good as the first one, I don't think. Whatever. Third will be better. Promise.


	3. What I've Done Sounds Better as a Song

A/N: I really should be working on Dog Person, but I felt like I wanted to write this.

Much, much thanks to The Big Rocky Eye for liking and reviewing my story, it means the world to me!

Note that I seem to have had an obsession with islands, rebellions and Zuko having twin sisters.

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WHAT I'VE DONE Makes a Better Name for a Song than a Story

Avatar Roku was ticked _off. _The reason for his ticked-offedness was another spirit named Kami. Kami was the spirit of storms, and she'd just created a huge storm without even asking! Now, logically, she'd be able to create whatever storms she wanted and nobody could do anything about it, but we're assuming that the Avatar rules over the Spirit World with an iron fist after he dies, hence, the ticked offedness. It didn't help that if she hadn't, the current on-Earth Avatar would not be inside a block of ice right then.

He went to talk to her, but she was kind of a brat and just was like *yawn.* So he was like "I BANISH YOOO TO BE HUMAN but not now, maybe in a hundred years or so."

And Kami, who hated humans and thought they sucked, said "NOOOOOOO!"

0o0o0o0o0

And yes, a little under a hundred years later, a little girl was born with violet eyes. When her grandfather, Kuzon, who had known the Avatar when he was alive and hated the war (but he couldn't say anything because he was living in the Fire Nation at the time) asked what they were going to call her, her parents said "Shayli."

Which is a pretty name and all, it's just that it was actually a cursed name from this whole mix up in the beginning of time, when words had power, and not in the sense that they affected people, in the sense that you said "Fly!" and started flying or someone else did, whichever you meant. Obviously, the spirits realized relatively early on that people are stupid and can't handle that kind of power, so they wiped out the language and replaced it with a boring, normal, powerless one, but I guess they missed a few spots here and there. But anyway, Shayli meant "alone," and in it's time had generally been used to denote romantic aloneness, or basically just rotten luck on the dating scene until you died. Obviously, when Shayli was old enough to realize what this meant (her parents didn't want her to know, but one of her brothers told her) it was a bit depressing.

At that point, she was fifteen and her family had relocated to this island somewhere and begun a rebellion group against the Fire Nation. And at first, they let Shayli be an assassin, but only after she asked them five times and explained her argument and all the reasons she wanted to be an assassin in the most mature, thought out way possible.

"Assassins are cool. They get wear all black. Pimpin'!"

BUT THEN she got captured on a mission, and they had to send some people to go in there and save her butt, so she wasn't allowed to do that anymore. This was quite a blow to her, because since she'd learned that she was basically never going to have a boyfriend that wasn't a jerk, she'd kind of thrown herself into her work, and now they just wanted her to chill. That wasn't her deal. No. So she got her brothers to help her get involved with Rebellion stuff anyway, just in secret. When their dad found out, he was like 'Wha…?' So her brothers got grounded and she got sent to Ba Sing Se. Her grandfather had recently gotten back from a trip to Ba Sing Se and had explained that the current situation there was that nobody knew what the war was.

"What about the war?"

"War? I know not this 'war' of which you speak."

So they figured it might be a breath of fresh air for her. And so they sent her off to Ba Sing Se (it took quite a long time, they sent her with bodyguards but didn't want it to look like she was surrounded by body guards, it was a mess to arrange and basically a complicated little scheme) to get a job, so she could stop worrying about all this war nonsense and just be a kid. A little late in the day, she was seventeen now, but whatever. The other reason for sending her to Ba Sing Se was this: when she'd be captured, she'd had quite a record of messing stuff up for the Fire Nation, and was on their most wanted list. Now, they knew her first name (someone heard one of her teammates, if you will, yell "SHAYLI HURRY UP" when they were escaping from some guards on some other occasion) but not her last name, and because of the mask, not what she looked like. Now, though, they knew her last name AND had someone do a drawing of her face, so there were these wanted posters of her everywhere. But in Ba Sing Se, the only wanted posters were of thieves and the occasional serial killers, not international spies/assassins/rebels/whatever it was she was, of any kind. Hence, safety!

Now, Shayli was good at spying on and killing people, but not so good at doing things like washing clothes and cooking, and so she wasn't actually very successful in Ba Sing Se. So she went into an interview at a teashop.

At this point, I should mention something vital from her childhood. Her father had been a Fire Nation noble before running away and starting the rebellion with his family, and so she'd been close friends with Zuko and his twin sister Zakira. Azula didn't like Shayli (or Shay, as she was known back in the day) because Shay wasn't afraid of her.

So anyway, Shayli walks into the teashop and sits down for an interview. Despite the very distinctive eyes (seriously, how many people do you know with purple eyes? I mean, it's actually a natural eye color, unless the Wikipedia page on eye color's been vandalized, but I mean, I have never met one person with purple eyes except one, who was wearing colored contacts. Sorry, sorry. To continue.) she recognized by neither Zuko nor Iroh. Shayli, though, recognized both of them, because even though she left the Fire Nation before Zuko got burned and everything, she knew about it due to her connection with the rebellion, and knew they were in the Earth Kingdom somewhere. But she'd never thought that they might be in Ba Sing Se. She showed no surprise, though. She simply answered all the questions honestly and unimpressively, unless her use of sarcasm counts as impressive, and it was pretty impressive, she was a master at sarcasm, but her answers themselves, she wasn't a good waitress and she knew it, but got the job anyway, because they needed one more waitress and there weren't enough people who showed up for the job to pick and choose.

The first day, she spit in people's tea (note that Shayli was a very negative individual. This was due to the loveless life she knew was ahead of her. I know, don't you feel so sorry for her?) while Iroh and Zuko scratched their heads, wondering where they'd seen the girl before. The next day, they (Zuko and Iroh) went to the palace to serve tea to the King and left someone else-not Shayli-in charge. I guess they didn't trust her. Which is understandable, do you trust tea-spitters? And then the whole thing with Azula happened, and basically, she went back to her life as a slacker until a few weeks later, when Azula sent the Dai Li to arrest her. Azula, of course, knew exactly who she was, and so wanted her head on a stick, but she still had to bring her to the Fire Nation first. She didn't tell Zuko who she was, because she worried that he'd betray her, and he was already a little uneasy about having Uncle imprisoned, anyway. But while on the ship, he figured it out and went into the place on the ship where all the prison cells were.

Shayli and Iroh's cells were across from each other, and they were playing cards.

"Got any threes?"

"Uh, go fish."  
"OH SNAP! I know who you are!" Zuko said suddenly.

"I win the bet!" Iroh smirked. Shayli sighed. "Y'all couldn't have waited to have that epiphany tomorrow?"

Zuko frowned and walked away.

That night, he was helping Iroh and Shayli and this random little girl that was in a cell (Yes, Azula was that evil. She arrested a little girl for not bowing down to her quick enough. Buahahahahahah!) escape, and they had this raft, but they had to jump into the water and then get on the raft. The water was oddly calm, especially right by the boat where, by the laws of physics, it should have been…wavier.

Shayli hesitated jumping. She'd never told anyone this, but she was afraid of water. When Azula woke up and started coming for her, though. She jumped. She waited and waited under the water for someone to save her, but nobody came.

"Why isn't she coming up?" they wondered.

They waited awhile-I guess Azula didn't want to get wet or something, so she didn't come after them-but Shayli didn't come up.

"Maybe she drowned." The little girl said. Well, it made sense.

Zuko shrugged.

They paddled and paddled and got to an island (but not the rebellion island) where the found Zakira. After Zuko had been banished, she'd run away and had wound up finding a lost society and learned she was actually adopted, and this was her real family and she was their princess. After every other question had been asked, and they were caught up on everything else, she asked

"So, do you know where Shayli is?"

Zuko shrugged again. "Who now?"

THE END.

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A/N: In the original story, of course, Zuko saves Shayli and they all go to the island together, but I needed an ending.

So again, The Big Rocky Eye, thanks so much for reviewing, and uh, tell your friends.

;-.D


End file.
